Use a condom.

Let me tell you about how messed up my laptop is: The CD-drive doesn’t work, the computer needs to be plugged into the wall at all times, I have to move the mouse constantly if I want the internet to work, and the following keys don’t work: A, Z, CAPS LOCK and Tab. Oh, and I saved the best one for last. This stupid computer won’t let me empty my own trashcan, because I do not have ”sufficient priviligies to perform that action”. What the fuck does that mean? I bought the computer. If I don’t have sufficient priviligies, then who does? Is there a person out there who’s unaware of the fact that now only he has the sufficient priviligies to empty the trashcan on my computer? Do I need to set off on some sort of quest to find this person? I’m telling you, it’s like the Sword in the fucking Stone. King Arthur, if you’re reading this, I need your help pulling the sword out of my trashcan, please.

I honestly don’t get it. Did my computer just wake up one day and decided, ”nu-uh, you’ve lost all priviligies to this body”? I've never encountered such defiance in my own home. It's quite shocking. And this raises all kind of weird questions for me. Was I a bad owner? Did I not treat it right? I always made sure there was a fresh power supply nearby, I always gave it the best new software, and I bought a case to keep it warm. Sure, I might have smacked it around a bit when it didn’t do what I told it to, but I never took it too far. All I ever asked in return for taking care of it, was that I got to play around with it a little bit after a hard day at work. Is that so bad? Many people will probably say yes, but I bet all those people have young, hot office-computers that they can play with, thus relieving them of everyday stress.

Well, in any case, I’ve had enough. If anyone wants to take my belligerent, ungrateful, dumbass computer off my hands, feel free. Because I’m fucking out .