Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Underwater rocket-scientists.

Enlighten me, please: Why do people think that animals in the zoo are miserable? That they would be so much happier out on the vast, biologically raped planes of their home country? I keep having this argument with people, sometimes while the other person's dog is actually trying to fuck my leg. My leg doesn't even have any visible holes in it, which I guess is irrelevant, since it's a female dog.

In my opinion, there is a reason why a bird can't conceive the concept of a "green house". The same reason would explain why dogs eat shit, why camels can't walk in more than one manner, and why the fastest aquatic being in the world can't seem to swim backwards. Here is that reason: Animals are stupid.

I feel fairly confident in saying that they don't have dr Bernard-the-Owl's five steps of absolute mental satisfaction. I also don't think that they have Rolf-the-Tarantula's seven rings of hell. It all comes down to food, sex, sleep, and water. Now, I'm sure you're little chihuahua, named Wellington(or something equally gay), is suuuper-cute in his Chanel-trench coat, but you know what? He's a male dog, wearing a four-legged pret-a-porter trench coat, specifically altered to make up for the lack of long gone balls. If he was even remotely smart, if he he could even begin to grasp the concept of "self-esteem", he would gnaw that shit right off and then run as far away from you as non-humanly possible.

Oh, and I have to say something about the absolute idiots who dress their dogs. I'm going to tell you what everyone out there is thinking: It looks stupid, okay? You look stupid. And don't say dog-clothing exists to keep the little munchkins warm. You see, there's a distinct reason why people in Saudi-Arabia don't tend to own private penguins. It's really not that hard: If you live in a cold place, don't buy a dog that's only physically equipped for warm places, you dipshit.


Getting back to the main topic of conversation: Imagine being in a place where you have free food whenever you're hungry, you can sleep all day if you want, you have an unlimited supply of water, and when you're horny, guess what? Something magically appears for you to fuck. Sure, there's limited access, but don't animals create limited access themselves all fucking day? In the wild, they find a place that has food and water, and then they mark that spot out as their territory. When there's no more food and water, they move on. Now, imagine if there was a territory that had an infinite supply of food and water. Then argue that the animals currently inhabiting that space, would ever leave. No, they would fight to the death with every sucker who happened to trot along.

If it is indeed like you say, and animals actually do have some sort of sophisticated cognitive level, that allows them to thoroughly enjoy and explore the aquatic marvels of the sea, I don't think it would be considered underwater rocket-science for them to tell the younger fish to stay away from those net-thingies. I hear they're kind of not cool.

I'm not saying we're any better. I'm sitting in my room, with food, drinks, a computer, some magazines and music. If I had sex in a can, and could take a dump right next to the bed and not care about it, I'm fairly certain that I would never leave. Animals have fully grasped and are perhaps taking advantage of this concept. So, the next time you see a dog gobbling away on his own balls, you won't have to make that strained face, before quietly asking yourself why on earth he does that. I've got the answer right here for you: Because he can.


all pics: I googled "stupid animal"

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