Christmas

Hey Mom,

I'd like to say I'm doing well but I said that a while back and BAM! Just like that, the O.C was cancelled. I don't want to jinx anything this time. In other news, the holidays are here. I used to not like them at all, but then I realised that I simply need to get over myself. I mean, who wouldn't love a party where there will be food, presents, carols, a decorated tree and a fat, drunk guy in a red jump-suit. Courtney Love probably wouldn't, but that's because she's not invited to any of those parties.

Also, I met someone the other day who was really anti-everything. Those people annoy me. He basically just sat around, talking about how stupid everyone is, trying desperately to fit into society and how we're all being duped by the big corporations bla bla bla. I wanted to say:

Your life's goal is one of the easiest that I've ever encountered. You choose not to fit in. Isn't that insanely easy, since you didn't fit in from the start? So basically, if you think about it(which I'm guessing you did, while listening to The Velvet Underground), it's like me saying "My life's goal is going to be a boycott of carrots. That would make me one of the more successful people I know, since I've achieved my life's goal before I've turned 22. The fact that I don't even like carrots to begin with and that I'm allergic, is irrelevant."

My favourite christmas song is "Do they know it's christmas time". The anti-everything guy that I met said that his is "Killing in the name of" by Rage Against The Machine. I'm pretty confident that his name, spelled out backwards, becomes C-O-L-U-M-B-I-N-E.

Merry christmas, guys.

"A quick course in photography" by Ghazmerize Amin

As we all know, photography is art. This is not the case here. I asked renowned portrait photographer Ghazal Amin-Madagascar to do a quick portrait of me and to give me a few easy steps on how do best take some one's picture. Not only did she do a wonderful job, she also cooked for me. Or at least Nathaniel bought takeout. SO, without further delay, here is the "quick course in photography" by Ghazal Amin-Montana

Step 1: "Subject".
First of all, it is very important to only take pictures of people who are not ugly. After all, you're a photographer, not a magician. If you could create gold from cat shit, you'd have a nicer apartment.

Step 2: "Variation"
It is very important that your photos are ground breaking. That you do something that's never been done before. Like if you were to donate money to charity and that money would actually reach someone who is poor. One good way is to use barriers, like a plant. Because that has never been done by anyone. Ever.

Step 3: "Start early"
Because most citizens of the world are not talented, it is crucial that you have alot of time. Ask your subject to come in around 6.00 AM. That way, the subject thinks that you have something special planned. And when he notices that you don't, he will get angry and therefore more relaxed. Totally makes sense.

Step 5: "Don't be an idiot"
Use auto-focus.

Step 6: "Eating disorder"
Remember that many people have eating disorders and have actually forgotten how to chew their food. If that is the case, don't take the picture when the are desperately trying to control their saliva.

Step 7: "Afternoon Delight"
Sometimes, the day can get very long. If the subject starts to get fatigued, just tell him to go fuck himself.

Step 8: "Post-Afternoon Delight"
If your subject is already tired and you just told him to go fuck himself, don't start aiming the camera at shit that nobody cares about.

Final step: "Closing time"
Since the pictures didn't turn out very well and you spent all of your money on takeout, many photographers simply choose to electrocute their subject and then eat them for dinner.

I hope that this guide was helpful since the process of getting my picture taken was absolutely horrifying. If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

I must apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy lately. Actually, that's a lie. I'm just lazy. I do have news, though! I am now in London again after venturing to Sweden, just to stay for like 14 hours before coming back here.

The topic of Sweden has started to fascinate me lately. Or rather, how fascinated other people are by Sweden. Really, how much do YOU know about Sweden? Disregarding the cute blonds. Although, disregarding "the cute blonds" doesn't really make any sense, since that would probably be the only reason why you would ever to go Sweden. It's kind of like standing on your roof, ready to jump off and thinking: What would be the argument for not jumping off my roof, disregarding "gravity"?

The great thing about Swedish blonds is not the fact that they're stupid. The greatest thing is that even though they're not stupid, they feel like they need to uphold some sort of image. Ergo, many of them ask before they think. Like the girl in junior high who raised her hand, stood up and asked the teacher what Hitler's last name was.

Another great thing about Sweden is that nobody fear us. Maybe that is because our soldiers wear berets. However, the fact that we are so non-intimidating didn't really help me get into the U.S, though. The guy who checked my passport seemed to think that if you look hard enough, my name might not be Jonsson anymore, but something more convenient. Like Semtex. I had to wait for two hours before I got called to the desk. Here are the questions that they asked me:



"Have you ever fired a weapon?"
"No, I thought you knew that I'm from ANOTHER country. Not this one."



"Have you ever been in the army?"
"No, Sweden hasn't had an army since the 18th century and we fought the Russians so I really don't know what your problem is."



Of course, if I had really said those things, they would have kicked the shit out of me.



As usual, I have sidetracked. London is great so far, I'm not a huge fan of the food, weather or women so far. My friend told me that opinion makes me a pessimist. I'd say that opinion makes me a citizen of the world. I'm getting a place pretty soon which is going to be fucking amazing, I'm done living out of a suitcase, for now. I plan on chillin' here until spring, spend a month or so in the U.S and then come back. Also, I found a place that sells old issues of The Face for 1 pound each. I bought issues from 1995 that had old pictures by Ellen Von Unwerth, Mario Sorrenti, Terry Richardson etc etc. Basically, awesome.





I'll tune in again soon, mom.

fuck bratislava

I've learned something today. Other than the fact that I'm utterly useless. I've learned never to book a plane ticket while being in the U.S. Why? Simply because 6.55 over there MIGHT just be 18.55 over here. And it was. I arrived around 18.05 at Stansted airport(which is further away from London than Mel Gibson is from being a sane person. Far.). I had already realised that I might miss my flight, since I was running very late.

I did miss my flight, by 12 hours.

When I arrived at the terminal, none of the flights listed were going to Gothenburg, so I went to the information desk. Here is how that conversation went:

"Hi, I have a 6.55 flight to Gothenburg and I don't know where to go."
"That's strange, I can't seem to locate it. What's you reservation-number"
"F.U.C.K Y.O.U(that's not true, but that's what was going on in my head)
"That flight was at 6.55 this morning, there is an 18.55 flight to Bratislava"
".....that doesn't really help me, does it?"
"True(ya think?), there is a flight on Tuesday for 60 pounds."

After that, I just left since A. I don't have 60 pounds and B. I was about to start laughing, the guy looked just like MacGyver.

The beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning

First of all, worst title ever. It was meant to be really churchill-catchy but I simply do not have the talent to pull it off.

SO, my stay here in NYC is coming to an end. What might my final conclusion be? First things first, not all american people are fat. At least not the cute college girls and let's focus on the people that actually matter when you're 21 and single. Also, don't rip on the following characters:

Justin Timberlake: As cool as a white guy gets, after Tyler Durden.

Al Shepherd: He will bring you down.

George W Bush: It just feels kind of passe and no matter what we say, he hasn't moved for a while. Which basically means that he wins.

Isaiah Tomas: He's doing the best he can. Granted, he's less useful than a model at a pie eating contest.

Peter Jackson: The ending of the last lord of the rings is longer than all of his previous flicks combined. That, my friends, is what's called a build-up.

Michael Jackson: If I had to play doctor with someone, he'd be my guy. I mean, you could mess up and then just re-attach stuff. Pretty cool.


I've managed to side track again. Sorry about that. Anyways, Thanks to everyone here, it's been real. I'll miss you.

big love

// Throbbin Robbin aka Sri Lankan Stallion(as if those exist)

The good, M.I.A and the ugly

What news do I have.....? I feel that my last post was a bit sarcastic&mean. That being said, that's more fun. Hence, I am going to continue on that track as I update you all on what's going on in my life.

M.I.A's "new" album, entitled "Kala", is horrible. When it comes to music, I'd say it's as close to an abomination as you could possibly get. It is a slap in the face of rythm, in fact. The beats are really complicated. And not Feadz-complicated, I'm talking fucking Rainman-level. There is no reason or rime, you can't hear shit of what that lady is trying to squeak and the best song on the album is less interesting than taking a pregnancy test right before going into the gas chamber. It basically sounds like John Lennon inhaled helium and made a bet with Ringo that he could create something so far away from music, it could actually be intepreted as a combination between white noise and dinosaur-sex. After John won the bet, Ringo shot John in the face.



Glad to have gotten that off my chest. The new Radiohead album(no, I'm not suicidal nor wanting a sex change) is great. Melancholic rythm at its best. I've never been a fan of Radiohead, since I rarely host funeral-parties, but this album really knocked me off my feet. You can just feel that there is a certain level of professionalism involved. Great job, in short.

Halloween is coming up, I still haven't decided what/who I'm going as. Valeria is going as the oompa-loompa and liked my idea of going as the cookie monsters retarded brother. However, I feel that the cookie-monster might already be retarded, hence, his retarded brother would be in a coma and I can't afford a mobile hospital bed. Another suggestion would be hooking up with someone and going as Ike&Tina Turner. She'd wear a wig and I'd simply wear a wifebeater. Maybe I should go as Batman, just so that I can introduce myself as Robin? In the end, I'll probably be totally unoriginal and go as Steve Urkel or young Michael Jackson.

Random pics

Immies

Long time no hear, my friends

Sorry I haven't updated you guys in a while. "Apology accepted". Thanks.

Anyways, I figured I'd write a little something about the movie that I paid 11 dollars to see today. My spontaneous reflection is that I would rather have spent that money on getting K-Fed to come to my next birthday party. "The assassination of Jesse James" was terrible. For numerous reasons:

Brad Pitt doesn't look remotely like Jesse James. He looks like what Jesse James would have needed to look like to fuck Angelina Jolie. Brad always delivers a solid performance though, nobody can deny the fact that Brad is simply cool. I'd go so far as to say that even the Fonz would agree. So would a surfer, but then again, he doesn't know the difference between "cool" and "unemployed". Skaters are cooler than surfers in so many ways but let's not get into that now. SO, THE MOVIE:

The guy who wrote the screenplay undoubtedly tried to kill me. Nobody tells a 3 hour story that boring, just to tell it. There must have been ulterior motives involved. Instead of being a drama-thriller, the movie focuses exclusively on the emotions and characters involving the murder of Jesse James. In my opinion, that's like casting Tobey Maguire to play Alexander the Great and then have him go on Ricky Lake, crying about how disappointed he was when he learned that you CAN catch herpes from persians aswell. You get the picture, it's simply the wrong way to go. This should have been a more action-filled-direct to the point, type of movie. The director should get some credit though, he managed to squeeze EVERYTHING that I didn't want to know about Jesse James into three hours of film. That definitely counts for something. Because of the fact that I have read some things about Jesse James before I saw the movie, I was able to keep up. The girl sitting next to me could just aswell have been watching Police Academy IV.

The good things about this movie, while being few, are surprising to me. Casey Affleck being the biggest surprise, he was great. Also, they did a great job in terms of special effects when peoples heads were blown off. Oh, and the different settings(although I never understood exactly where they were) were spectacular.

But in the end, it's like they took something that should have been a mad-max-renegade-with-a-slight-sensitive-touch type of movie and turned it into something that would have made even Shakespeare go: "Now, that's just gay."

Welcome to the jungle

My good friend David has arrived! His first visit to the U.S is shaping up to be great. To make his trip as meaningful as possible, I have put together this small list of things to do/see in New York City. Please keep in mind that I will not be attending any of these events.

When being in a completely new environment, one should always start off by familiarizing themselves with it. This is were our first predicament occurs. Since my friend is a 6"5, 200 pound white guy, I took the liberty of giving him the same sign that Domino's delivery boys carry around with them in Bed-Stuy. You know, the one that says "I am currently only holding 20 dollars in cash".

The statue of Liberty is something that you have to see, I guess. I haven't because I hate walking around for 5 hours and then come home without a single piece of new clothing. What most people don't know about the statue of liberty is that the letters engraved on the statue, "July IV MDCCLXXVI" do not mean "July 4th, 1886". It's actually old french for "We're sorry we suck at war."

I guess that's it, right? Statue of liberty(check), walk around(check)....OH and also to go see the M(y) E(ntire) T(eam) S(ucks), just because they're cheaper than watching the Yankees, we don't understand baseball anyways.

So anyways, cruise over to Kermit the Frog if you want to read about his general thoughts of the U.S.

SpongeBob Chomsky

I've been thinking lately, isn't SpongeBob Squarepants pretty much the worst fictional character ever? SpongeBob is basically the biggest ego-massage that has been spawned within the last couple of years. His main ability concists of being stupid, thus making anyone who watches it feel smart, or at least smarter. Exhibit A being the fact that SpongeBob is everyones favourite character while being stoned.

This got me thinking, what did the final board meeting where SpongeBob was utlimately created, look like? This is what it looks like in my head:

"So, I've got an idea for the new character!"
"Really? That's great, what is it?"
"It's a sponge."
"A what now?"
"A sponge."
"Uhhm...Like the thing you clean yourself with?"
"Yes, I was brushing my teeth this morning and noticed that my sponge does not wear pants."
"Why would it wear pants?"
"Exactly! This got me thinking, let's say that my sponge is currently a 3, in terms of fun, on a scale of 1-10. If it wore pants, it'd be at least a 5."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Hear me out, if it is a 5 with pants, imagine if my sponge then had shoes, thus being a 7, a face, making it an 8 and to top it all of, it was so fucking unbelievably stupid that anyone who watches it will be able to feel like Stephen Hawking for the next 5 minutes before they realize they're trying to eat soup with a fork."
"He makes a valid point. Let's make this sponge the stupidest thing the world has ever seen, disregarding Nicole Ritchie, we'll be rich!"

And so, with the help of marketing, Nickelodeon(or CN) and a goofy pair of pants, we are now victims of the disease that is Spongebob Squarepants. Because of the fact that everyone I know loves Spongebob, I'm going to save you the trouble of asking me the following questions:

"How can you rip on SpongeBob, he's so great!!!"
- You just answered that question yourself. He is a famous sponge named Bob. Does that not strike you as a tad bit odd?

"Is it not great that small children can feel good about themselves while watching TV?"
- Small children don't watch Spongebob to feel good about themselves. They watch it because he makes funny faces. Comic relief and self-realization comes from eating sand.

"Is it not better to watch something like Spongebob instead of something violent, like X-Men?"
- Sure, just be prepared for the fact that in a couple of years, your kid probably won't be able to spell "X-men".

SpongeBob and his entourage. I always confuse these cats with the Reservoir Dogs, major issue.

Trivia & MILF-hunter B.C

People who know me will tell you these things about me:

I'm a real lazy-ass who doesn't do anything for other people unless he has something to gain for himself(an excellent quality, I KNOW)

I very much enjoy making lists

I enjoy reading about famous people on Wikipedia.

The last part is actually what this is about. I spent some time procrastinating last night, being on wikipedia instead of working. I found these interesting facts:

The tongue of a blue whale weighs 4,7 tons, about the same as Michael Moore.

Christian Bale gained 100 pounds in six months to play Batman, which is fucking incredible.

Billy the kid died when he was 21, having killed 21 people and being the leader of a notorious gang. What would you expect, he was Irish. Personally, I would definitely compare myself to Billy the Kid, we are both short, we both wear glasses(although, I don't need mine) and we both need to shoot people in the face to be taken seriously.

The last one is by far the most interesting one. Everyone knows about the legend of Julius Caesar and how he was killed. He was betrayed by the senate and more importantly, by his friend Brutus. This epic tale of treachery came into a different light last night when I happened to read about Caesars lovers. These included Cleopatra, Caesars wives AND Brutus' mother. And so, the everlasting saga of the murder of Julius Caesar really isn't that complicated. If one of my friends slept with my mom, I'd fucking kill him too.

The worlds first MILF-hunter. HAHA classic.

'Til my dick turn racist

Fridays petites adventures. Spank Rock & afterparty, I had a great time. Ian had an off-night, though.

Miss Piggy's little helper

I apologize in advance for this, but you're gonna have to cruise over to youtube for this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhU4FmXX1Sk

I feel no need to comment upon this guy. He pretty much speaks for himself, Elmo & the gang would have been proud.

The christmas of MC Squarepants & Bachelor Bob

This is what happens when me & my best bud hang out.

Holly Better Faster Stanton

Thanks for a great B-day, holltron. You're a great friend, man.

OJ as in Orange Juice

Today, I sang karaoke(Japanese for "not talented") with the guys from Chromeo. "Needy Girl" was the song and I made a fool out of myself, good fun though. In other news, I saw "SuperBad" yesterday, you HAVE to see that movie. I haven't laughed that hard since the borat movie.

Also, O.J Simpson got busted for stealing something. Some people just can't seem to keep their hands out of the cookie jar. The fact that this man got caught stealing is mildly awesome to me. He is the type of criminal who gives other criminals a bad name. This is how I'd imagine the bottom of the prison hierarchy looks like.

Rapists(for obvious reasons)
Pedophiles(ditto)
The fucking morons who never seem to get away with anything(I guess he DID get away with the murder of his wife, but everyone still thinks he did it)

There are numerous people who won't realize that what they're currently doing is not right for them.

Isaiah Thomas shouldn't be managing the Knicks, he should be trying to overthrow some evil regime in a poor country somewhere. He'd do this by trying to be it's manager.

Paris Hilton probably shouldn't be a pornstar/partygirl/hotel heir, she should be a bottle of liquid herpes, it's the new teargas.

James Brown shouldn't be a singer, he should be getting speech-lessons from Helen Keller.

Monsieur Le Pen probably shouldn't be in politics, I'd say he'd be better of doing whatever he used to do on his own planet.

Snoop Dogg is not a rapper. He should play Splinter in the Turtles-movies.

Michael Jackson shouldn't be human, he'd be a great jigsaw-puzzle, though.

Last but not least, Chuck Norris shouldn't be a part of your stupid jokes. I'm going to say this, totally objective, they simply are not funny.

Returning to the topic-at-hand, I seriously believe that if you frisked mr. Simpson, he'd have something illegal on him 7/10 times. Why can't he just realize that he simply is not meant to be a criminal? It's just a tad bit frustrating. I mean, if you can't fly, don't jump off a fucking cliff.

Old pics

Coney Island

Me & my gals went out to Coney Island, a truly wonderful timeportal into the age where candy only cost a nickle, women were'nt allowed to go on the rides and black people weren't allowed to go into the area. Also, the american fair games are hilarious. Here, you don't pay 50 cents to throw a ball at a clown. You blow his head off with a 12-gage.

Pics by H0llyw00d