My parents lied to me.

Alright, guys. Basically, our parents are full of shit. I've been meticously studying an awesome website that lists a bunch of common misconceptions. I'm not going to paste the sources because I can't be bothered. Trust me, they're there. Here are a few:

- According to the academy of eye doctors, it does NOT hurt your eyes to read in the dark. They say: "To read in the dark hurts your eyes about as much as it hurts your camera to take a picture when there's little light." word.

-Chocolate doesn't give you pimples. Break-ups just got less of an aesthetic health-risk. At least for girls.

-There's nothing in the bible(except for the number of gifts) that indicates that the three wise men were actually three. They could just as well have been 400 jewish guys who all gave 10 cents each. Not ok? Sorry.

-Charles Lindbergh was not the first person to fly over the atlantic. He was also not the first person to kidnap their own children. He's definitely up there on the first point, though.

-Marijuana and Hasch does not damage your braincells. They simply arrange a non-working situation for you.

-Holland is not a real country. I actually didn't know that.

-Magellan was not the first person to complete a sail around the world. Magellan actually died close to the phillipines. HAHA, that's hilarious. These were his last words: "Guys, you have all been very brave on this legendary endeavor. When I die, I want to you make sure that I get ALL the credit for what we've done. All of it."

-The risk of getting a cramp while swimming is not higher because of the fact that you've just eaten. That's just something fat people say because getting up is a project.

Also, I've read about something fascinating. Apparently, the americans didn't have to bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Japan wanted to surrender earlier, but only if they could keep their emperor. The americans were opposed to this(they got to keep the emperor in the end, anyways) and probably wanted to "test" the weapon. Since Japan was severly weakened, it would have been sufficient to detonate the bomb on a desert island, thus showing the magnitude of damage that it would cause. Instead, "why not freak out the russians and also test our neat new product"? Exhibit A being the fact that both bombs were not identical. The first one was made from uranium and the second one from plutonium.

"Dad, I want to go to school but this guy won't let me"
"Really? Him and what army?"
"The U.S Army"
"Oh, that's a good army"

It truly is. It truly is.

p.s Sri Lanka has the worlds highest ratio of suicides. That's why I allowed myself to be bought. Actually, that's not true. I also wanted to see ZZ Top in concert.

hmmm

Is it a mere coincidence that, in writing, the nemesis of the "Indian" is a "Cow-boy"?

Shiny happy people

shit, dude

There are certain things in life that people simply do not like. "Shit" is one of those things. I can definitely see where that fobia might spawn from, but it's kind of strange to me how much we hate other people's shit. This got me thinking about how shit affects us in everyday life, because there are certain aspects of it that simply do not make sense. 

Why are people afraid of taking a shit in public restrooms, even when they're nice ones? I mean, they're there for a reason.  All guys know the feeling when you've just had indian food(that's a fucking bear trap right there)and you have to rush off to the restrooms, but then you two feet into the room, you freeze. There's someone in the room. This isn't happening. Why, in gods name is there another person in a public restroom? This forces you to fake that you just need to pee until that person has left the room. The most excruciating scenario is when the other person is doing the exact same thing. 

Another thing that doesn't make sense, is the washing-your-hands aspect. People get fucking mad at you when you go to the bathroom and don't wash your hands. Admittedly, it is non-sanitary, but why is taking a shit so special? After all, shit->paper->hand probably isn't less sanitary than man with herpes->poles on the subway->feeding strawberries to your loved one in the park. The worst hypocrites of this scenario are people who yell at you for not washing your hands and then run off to kiss their dog on the mouth. This just in: Dogs E-A-T shit. 

Also, it says on the box that Corn Flakes have iron in them. Is that like real iron? How can it be good to eat real iron? Fucking weird, it's like if you have a hangover, you should eat your ipod.

Kylie Minogue wants to kill me.

I'm really not supposed to be talking about this. I just found out, I don't know who else to talk to. I think... I think women might be trying to wipe men off the planet. And their leaders are Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue.

The essence of their plan is to turn all males into gay males or "homo-homosapiens". Now, since most males would be reluctant to make this change, they have invented certain tools to get us. Their leaders, Kylie Minogue and Britney Spears, are perfect exampes. Right now, only metrosexual or gay men listen to these two ladies. Actually, that's wrong. Metrosexuals and gay men are the only ones who admit that they do. However, with the rise of metrosexual-coolness, alot of guys are starting to walk right into the beartrap. Movies like: Love Actually, Titanic and Bridget Jones' Diary are just the beginning. There are so many things out there, well disguised as KIND OF metro-sexual. And all of it is fucking great, too. Americas next top model, Sex and the city, Justin Timberlake, Nutella, Yoga, Holding hands, Pizza with no meat on it, exfoliating gel-scrub, Cosmopolitans, Cheap Monday and Hugh Grant. We need to stay away from these types of things, tempting as they are. They will destroy us.

What can we do to prevent this from happening? Well, there are a number of things that are also appealing to men, and these things will definitely push us back in the right direction. Here are a few things that we can do to help us get back on the right track:

-Going to war alot more
-Renting Die Hard
-Killing the french
-Going to war alot more
-Buying more barbecues & baseball-caps and less Marc Jacobs key-chains
-Saying the word "Mojito" without pronouncing the "i" in a really high-pitched voice

We all know that there are four confirmed types of men. Straight men, Gay men, Metrosexuals and Europeans. The second of these four would naturally not be a threat to this operation, entitled: "Notting Hill is a movie that everyone can enjoy." The first group is, naturally where most effort is being put in. The third and fourth group are already being phased into the experiment. Now, If all men were gay, then no more babies would be born. If no more babies were being born, then scientists would have to "grow" babies. And if those scientists were women, then they could control the sex of the babies. This is were their plan is going to fail. Women do not posess the logic side of their brain. Hence, they can't become scientists to begin with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really like both Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue. I've become a victim. It has begun and within a couple of hundred years, someone is going to have to make a choice between two pills. Remember, the red pill is fucking gay.

This is what has been on my mind today. 

• A situation where the only natural answer is "That's true": People who pause mid-sentence because they've just, accidentally, rhymed. They pause just to say: "Hey, that rhymes." 
  

• Annoying thing: People who talk during movies don't annoy me. People who talk during the previews do. I love previews.
  

• Eternal question: Is it just me or does NOBODY know what MacGyver's first name is?
  

• People who are secretly into S&M: People who own boats. Congratulations, you just paid money to live uncomfortably. Absolutely sadistic.
  

• Coolest 38-year old: h.o.v.a, hands down. 
  

• Lamest nickname: Pharrell Williams AKA "Skateboard P". 
  

• General wondering: Who's the worst at living up to their last name, Jack Black or Barry White?
  

• Would you rather: Know that you were destined to marry a russian shotputter or have every third dog try to hump your leg?

• Most ironic performance 2007: Nelly Furtado at the Diana memorial concert, singing "Maneater". Snap.
  

Ryanair is special.

Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of ryanair. And I know that it's really 20th century to make fun of airplanes/airports. But one thing does annoy me. The fact that you, nowadays, have to turn of your ipod on take-off and landing. That's a solid half an hour of listening to babies crying, people chatting about n'importe de quoi and the music from the guy next to me who has decided to ignore the non-ipod rule. Actually, I'm that guy. I really can't take the ipod-threat seriously and if that means that I'm putting your life at stake, I'm truly sorry. I feel that it's a bit ridiculous to claim that 200 lives, sitting inside of a machine that costs 10 million dollars, are in jeopardy because I'm listening to "I feel like a child" by Devendra Banhart. Pete Doherty would never shut his ipod off during his flight, neither shall I.

Also, I feel like sharing my favourite airplane-tunes with you. Keep in mind that this is not a "travel-playlist", simply because these songs are optimized for airplaines, nothing else. Hence, they're airplane tunes. Basically, songs that make me want to pop the emergency exit open, sinply because the fuzzy clouds would shield us all from harm. Or something like that.

Alan Braxe & Fred Falke - Love lost
Hot chip - The warning
Daft punk - Verdis quo
Ratatat - Wildcat
The knife - You make me like charity
Coldplay - The scientist
The postal service - Sleeping in
Norah Jones - Sunrise
The cure - Close to me
Led zeppelin - Stairway to heaven
Air - La femme d'argent
Why? - Sanddollars
Nouvelle vague - Love will tear us apart
Enya - Caribbean blue
Röyksopp - Why else is there?(Live)
Kings of convenience - Cayman islands

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not gay.

p.s anything with The studio is also excellent flight-music.

New website

I've got a new website, guys. Feel free to check it out:

www.robinjp.net

enjoy

The ghost of Fred Falke.

I am now about to tell you something that might shock you. It will be difficult to grasp, you might need to sit down. Here it is: I really don't think Fred Falke is real. As in I don't think Fred Falke is a real person. I think he is actually Thomas Bangalter.

If you think about it, Fred Falke is never booked anywhere. Have you ever seen or heard of a DJset featuring Alan Braxe and Fred Falke, even though they pretty much produce each other all the time. The Upper Cuts is widely acknowledged to be brilliant, containing amazing tracks such as Rubicon, Intro, Music Sounds Better With You and Love Lost. Another thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the fact that Alan Braxe, despite their close relationship, does not have Fred Falke among his top friends on Myspace. In my opinion, since the "top friends" of famous DJ's are kind of a big deal, that's weird. Also, if you search "Fred Falke" on Wikipedia, you get a direct link to Alan Braxe.

So where does Thomas come into the picture? He is known to be a fan of Braxe, he co-produced "Music sounds better with you"(what's to stop him from sectretly co-producing the whole album?) and another important fact being that Alan Braxe is on Bangalters record label "Roule". Since the commercial style of Daft Punk is eerily close to Braxe's and Falke's music, the leap wouldn't be THAT big, would it?

If you google-image Fred Falke, this is the only relevant picture that comes up:


"Hi, we need a generic french-looking guy to stand next to Alan Braxe in a picture."
"Ask one of the guys at McDonalds."

And that's what they did.

p.s Heath Ledger is another proof of the fact that all you have to do is die, then people will realize what a genious you are. Never mind the fact that Ledger was in like two good movies during his whole career. Kill Christian Bale, then talk. Oh, R.I.P, Heath.

Super-Mario Bros before Hoes

Don't get me wrong, I love Super Mario. Of course, he is fat and obnoxious but who isn't, right? Well, I'm not. At least not fat. Anyways, while playing the exquisite masterpiece that is Super Mario Bros 3, I came to some conclusions. To save you all some time, I can tell you right now that none of them are coherent, nor are they relevant.

The person who spawned the whole concept for this game was, without a doubt, high on some form of illegal substances. Take the significance of the Mushroom in the game. A mushroom makes you big, it gives you life, your little helper has a mushroom HAT(this being exhibit #1. Why the fuck does he wear a mushroom hat?) etc etc. We all know that in real life, all mushrooms do is give your dog a rash.

I mean seriously, if you saw someone who looked like this, what would you say that he's just been up to?

A. Done drugs
B. Escaped from a mental institution
C. Gotten a blow-job from Orlando Bloom


Ghazal just walked in and she is bothering me, I can't concentrate. I might have to actually play the game instead. I'll update you shortly.

Christmas

Hey Mom,

I'd like to say I'm doing well but I said that a while back and BAM! Just like that, the O.C was cancelled. I don't want to jinx anything this time. In other news, the holidays are here. I used to not like them at all, but then I realised that I simply need to get over myself. I mean, who wouldn't love a party where there will be food, presents, carols, a decorated tree and a fat, drunk guy in a red jump-suit. Courtney Love probably wouldn't, but that's because she's not invited to any of those parties.

Also, I met someone the other day who was really anti-everything. Those people annoy me. He basically just sat around, talking about how stupid everyone is, trying desperately to fit into society and how we're all being duped by the big corporations bla bla bla. I wanted to say:

Your life's goal is one of the easiest that I've ever encountered. You choose not to fit in. Isn't that insanely easy, since you didn't fit in from the start? So basically, if you think about it(which I'm guessing you did, while listening to The Velvet Underground), it's like me saying "My life's goal is going to be a boycott of carrots. That would make me one of the more successful people I know, since I've achieved my life's goal before I've turned 22. The fact that I don't even like carrots to begin with and that I'm allergic, is irrelevant."

My favourite christmas song is "Do they know it's christmas time". The anti-everything guy that I met said that his is "Killing in the name of" by Rage Against The Machine. I'm pretty confident that his name, spelled out backwards, becomes C-O-L-U-M-B-I-N-E.

Merry christmas, guys.

"A quick course in photography" by Ghazmerize Amin

As we all know, photography is art. This is not the case here. I asked renowned portrait photographer Ghazal Amin-Madagascar to do a quick portrait of me and to give me a few easy steps on how do best take some one's picture. Not only did she do a wonderful job, she also cooked for me. Or at least Nathaniel bought takeout. SO, without further delay, here is the "quick course in photography" by Ghazal Amin-Montana

Step 1: "Subject".
First of all, it is very important to only take pictures of people who are not ugly. After all, you're a photographer, not a magician. If you could create gold from cat shit, you'd have a nicer apartment.

Step 2: "Variation"
It is very important that your photos are ground breaking. That you do something that's never been done before. Like if you were to donate money to charity and that money would actually reach someone who is poor. One good way is to use barriers, like a plant. Because that has never been done by anyone. Ever.

Step 3: "Start early"
Because most citizens of the world are not talented, it is crucial that you have alot of time. Ask your subject to come in around 6.00 AM. That way, the subject thinks that you have something special planned. And when he notices that you don't, he will get angry and therefore more relaxed. Totally makes sense.

Step 5: "Don't be an idiot"
Use auto-focus.

Step 6: "Eating disorder"
Remember that many people have eating disorders and have actually forgotten how to chew their food. If that is the case, don't take the picture when the are desperately trying to control their saliva.

Step 7: "Afternoon Delight"
Sometimes, the day can get very long. If the subject starts to get fatigued, just tell him to go fuck himself.

Step 8: "Post-Afternoon Delight"
If your subject is already tired and you just told him to go fuck himself, don't start aiming the camera at shit that nobody cares about.

Final step: "Closing time"
Since the pictures didn't turn out very well and you spent all of your money on takeout, many photographers simply choose to electrocute their subject and then eat them for dinner.

I hope that this guide was helpful since the process of getting my picture taken was absolutely horrifying. If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.

Don't wake me I plan on sleeping in

I must apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy lately. Actually, that's a lie. I'm just lazy. I do have news, though! I am now in London again after venturing to Sweden, just to stay for like 14 hours before coming back here.

The topic of Sweden has started to fascinate me lately. Or rather, how fascinated other people are by Sweden. Really, how much do YOU know about Sweden? Disregarding the cute blonds. Although, disregarding "the cute blonds" doesn't really make any sense, since that would probably be the only reason why you would ever to go Sweden. It's kind of like standing on your roof, ready to jump off and thinking: What would be the argument for not jumping off my roof, disregarding "gravity"?

The great thing about Swedish blonds is not the fact that they're stupid. The greatest thing is that even though they're not stupid, they feel like they need to uphold some sort of image. Ergo, many of them ask before they think. Like the girl in junior high who raised her hand, stood up and asked the teacher what Hitler's last name was.

Another great thing about Sweden is that nobody fear us. Maybe that is because our soldiers wear berets. However, the fact that we are so non-intimidating didn't really help me get into the U.S, though. The guy who checked my passport seemed to think that if you look hard enough, my name might not be Jonsson anymore, but something more convenient. Like Semtex. I had to wait for two hours before I got called to the desk. Here are the questions that they asked me:



"Have you ever fired a weapon?"
"No, I thought you knew that I'm from ANOTHER country. Not this one."



"Have you ever been in the army?"
"No, Sweden hasn't had an army since the 18th century and we fought the Russians so I really don't know what your problem is."



Of course, if I had really said those things, they would have kicked the shit out of me.



As usual, I have sidetracked. London is great so far, I'm not a huge fan of the food, weather or women so far. My friend told me that opinion makes me a pessimist. I'd say that opinion makes me a citizen of the world. I'm getting a place pretty soon which is going to be fucking amazing, I'm done living out of a suitcase, for now. I plan on chillin' here until spring, spend a month or so in the U.S and then come back. Also, I found a place that sells old issues of The Face for 1 pound each. I bought issues from 1995 that had old pictures by Ellen Von Unwerth, Mario Sorrenti, Terry Richardson etc etc. Basically, awesome.





I'll tune in again soon, mom.

fuck bratislava

I've learned something today. Other than the fact that I'm utterly useless. I've learned never to book a plane ticket while being in the U.S. Why? Simply because 6.55 over there MIGHT just be 18.55 over here. And it was. I arrived around 18.05 at Stansted airport(which is further away from London than Mel Gibson is from being a sane person. Far.). I had already realised that I might miss my flight, since I was running very late.

I did miss my flight, by 12 hours.

When I arrived at the terminal, none of the flights listed were going to Gothenburg, so I went to the information desk. Here is how that conversation went:

"Hi, I have a 6.55 flight to Gothenburg and I don't know where to go."
"That's strange, I can't seem to locate it. What's you reservation-number"
"F.U.C.K Y.O.U(that's not true, but that's what was going on in my head)
"That flight was at 6.55 this morning, there is an 18.55 flight to Bratislava"
".....that doesn't really help me, does it?"
"True(ya think?), there is a flight on Tuesday for 60 pounds."

After that, I just left since A. I don't have 60 pounds and B. I was about to start laughing, the guy looked just like MacGyver.

The beginning of the end and the beginning of the beginning

First of all, worst title ever. It was meant to be really churchill-catchy but I simply do not have the talent to pull it off.

SO, my stay here in NYC is coming to an end. What might my final conclusion be? First things first, not all american people are fat. At least not the cute college girls and let's focus on the people that actually matter when you're 21 and single. Also, don't rip on the following characters:

Justin Timberlake: As cool as a white guy gets, after Tyler Durden.

Al Shepherd: He will bring you down.

George W Bush: It just feels kind of passe and no matter what we say, he hasn't moved for a while. Which basically means that he wins.

Isaiah Tomas: He's doing the best he can. Granted, he's less useful than a model at a pie eating contest.

Peter Jackson: The ending of the last lord of the rings is longer than all of his previous flicks combined. That, my friends, is what's called a build-up.

Michael Jackson: If I had to play doctor with someone, he'd be my guy. I mean, you could mess up and then just re-attach stuff. Pretty cool.


I've managed to side track again. Sorry about that. Anyways, Thanks to everyone here, it's been real. I'll miss you.

big love

// Throbbin Robbin aka Sri Lankan Stallion(as if those exist)

The good, M.I.A and the ugly

What news do I have.....? I feel that my last post was a bit sarcastic&mean. That being said, that's more fun. Hence, I am going to continue on that track as I update you all on what's going on in my life.

M.I.A's "new" album, entitled "Kala", is horrible. When it comes to music, I'd say it's as close to an abomination as you could possibly get. It is a slap in the face of rythm, in fact. The beats are really complicated. And not Feadz-complicated, I'm talking fucking Rainman-level. There is no reason or rime, you can't hear shit of what that lady is trying to squeak and the best song on the album is less interesting than taking a pregnancy test right before going into the gas chamber. It basically sounds like John Lennon inhaled helium and made a bet with Ringo that he could create something so far away from music, it could actually be intepreted as a combination between white noise and dinosaur-sex. After John won the bet, Ringo shot John in the face.



Glad to have gotten that off my chest. The new Radiohead album(no, I'm not suicidal nor wanting a sex change) is great. Melancholic rythm at its best. I've never been a fan of Radiohead, since I rarely host funeral-parties, but this album really knocked me off my feet. You can just feel that there is a certain level of professionalism involved. Great job, in short.

Halloween is coming up, I still haven't decided what/who I'm going as. Valeria is going as the oompa-loompa and liked my idea of going as the cookie monsters retarded brother. However, I feel that the cookie-monster might already be retarded, hence, his retarded brother would be in a coma and I can't afford a mobile hospital bed. Another suggestion would be hooking up with someone and going as Ike&Tina Turner. She'd wear a wig and I'd simply wear a wifebeater. Maybe I should go as Batman, just so that I can introduce myself as Robin? In the end, I'll probably be totally unoriginal and go as Steve Urkel or young Michael Jackson.

Random pics

Immies

Long time no hear, my friends

Sorry I haven't updated you guys in a while. "Apology accepted". Thanks.

Anyways, I figured I'd write a little something about the movie that I paid 11 dollars to see today. My spontaneous reflection is that I would rather have spent that money on getting K-Fed to come to my next birthday party. "The assassination of Jesse James" was terrible. For numerous reasons:

Brad Pitt doesn't look remotely like Jesse James. He looks like what Jesse James would have needed to look like to fuck Angelina Jolie. Brad always delivers a solid performance though, nobody can deny the fact that Brad is simply cool. I'd go so far as to say that even the Fonz would agree. So would a surfer, but then again, he doesn't know the difference between "cool" and "unemployed". Skaters are cooler than surfers in so many ways but let's not get into that now. SO, THE MOVIE:

The guy who wrote the screenplay undoubtedly tried to kill me. Nobody tells a 3 hour story that boring, just to tell it. There must have been ulterior motives involved. Instead of being a drama-thriller, the movie focuses exclusively on the emotions and characters involving the murder of Jesse James. In my opinion, that's like casting Tobey Maguire to play Alexander the Great and then have him go on Ricky Lake, crying about how disappointed he was when he learned that you CAN catch herpes from persians aswell. You get the picture, it's simply the wrong way to go. This should have been a more action-filled-direct to the point, type of movie. The director should get some credit though, he managed to squeeze EVERYTHING that I didn't want to know about Jesse James into three hours of film. That definitely counts for something. Because of the fact that I have read some things about Jesse James before I saw the movie, I was able to keep up. The girl sitting next to me could just aswell have been watching Police Academy IV.

The good things about this movie, while being few, are surprising to me. Casey Affleck being the biggest surprise, he was great. Also, they did a great job in terms of special effects when peoples heads were blown off. Oh, and the different settings(although I never understood exactly where they were) were spectacular.

But in the end, it's like they took something that should have been a mad-max-renegade-with-a-slight-sensitive-touch type of movie and turned it into something that would have made even Shakespeare go: "Now, that's just gay."

Welcome to the jungle

My good friend David has arrived! His first visit to the U.S is shaping up to be great. To make his trip as meaningful as possible, I have put together this small list of things to do/see in New York City. Please keep in mind that I will not be attending any of these events.

When being in a completely new environment, one should always start off by familiarizing themselves with it. This is were our first predicament occurs. Since my friend is a 6"5, 200 pound white guy, I took the liberty of giving him the same sign that Domino's delivery boys carry around with them in Bed-Stuy. You know, the one that says "I am currently only holding 20 dollars in cash".

The statue of Liberty is something that you have to see, I guess. I haven't because I hate walking around for 5 hours and then come home without a single piece of new clothing. What most people don't know about the statue of liberty is that the letters engraved on the statue, "July IV MDCCLXXVI" do not mean "July 4th, 1886". It's actually old french for "We're sorry we suck at war."

I guess that's it, right? Statue of liberty(check), walk around(check)....OH and also to go see the M(y) E(ntire) T(eam) S(ucks), just because they're cheaper than watching the Yankees, we don't understand baseball anyways.

So anyways, cruise over to Kermit the Frog if you want to read about his general thoughts of the U.S.