SpongeBob Chomsky

I've been thinking lately, isn't SpongeBob Squarepants pretty much the worst fictional character ever? SpongeBob is basically the biggest ego-massage that has been spawned within the last couple of years. His main ability concists of being stupid, thus making anyone who watches it feel smart, or at least smarter. Exhibit A being the fact that SpongeBob is everyones favourite character while being stoned.

This got me thinking, what did the final board meeting where SpongeBob was utlimately created, look like? This is what it looks like in my head:

"So, I've got an idea for the new character!"
"Really? That's great, what is it?"
"It's a sponge."
"A what now?"
"A sponge."
"Uhhm...Like the thing you clean yourself with?"
"Yes, I was brushing my teeth this morning and noticed that my sponge does not wear pants."
"Why would it wear pants?"
"Exactly! This got me thinking, let's say that my sponge is currently a 3, in terms of fun, on a scale of 1-10. If it wore pants, it'd be at least a 5."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Hear me out, if it is a 5 with pants, imagine if my sponge then had shoes, thus being a 7, a face, making it an 8 and to top it all of, it was so fucking unbelievably stupid that anyone who watches it will be able to feel like Stephen Hawking for the next 5 minutes before they realize they're trying to eat soup with a fork."
"He makes a valid point. Let's make this sponge the stupidest thing the world has ever seen, disregarding Nicole Ritchie, we'll be rich!"

And so, with the help of marketing, Nickelodeon(or CN) and a goofy pair of pants, we are now victims of the disease that is Spongebob Squarepants. Because of the fact that everyone I know loves Spongebob, I'm going to save you the trouble of asking me the following questions:

"How can you rip on SpongeBob, he's so great!!!"
- You just answered that question yourself. He is a famous sponge named Bob. Does that not strike you as a tad bit odd?

"Is it not great that small children can feel good about themselves while watching TV?"
- Small children don't watch Spongebob to feel good about themselves. They watch it because he makes funny faces. Comic relief and self-realization comes from eating sand.

"Is it not better to watch something like Spongebob instead of something violent, like X-Men?"
- Sure, just be prepared for the fact that in a couple of years, your kid probably won't be able to spell "X-men".

SpongeBob and his entourage. I always confuse these cats with the Reservoir Dogs, major issue.