The Touch

Ghazal's friends created a great music vid for The Touch. I felt the need to show it to you.

The Touch - Le Night Dominator

I missed my flight back to London from berlin. Please stand by for a fuck easyjet post.

// R

Paralell yet not perfectly aligned

Now listen, I think it's sick

I'm sick. I basically can't do any of the things I wanted to do today. This included:

Learn a bit of Basque
Go to a Lakers game, wearing a Lakers shirt that says #33 Byrd on it
Do mushrooms and watch a bamboo tree grow(they can grow 1 meter a day)
Learn how to play Da Funk on harmonica
Getting a christian person drunk and succeeding in making him get a tattoo that says "Jesusjugend".

Also, here is further proof that indians are simply not cool:



The topic of indians made me think of situations where it's IMPOSSIBLE to be cool:

Wearing a bike-helmet
Wearing reading glasses and no shirt
Walking downhill
Rollerskating
Also, it's pretty hard being cool while walking off the court after this:

Guy Bourdin and Sex-Pistols feces

I seriously doubt that any fashion photographer will ever be able to top Guy Bourdin. It's like no man will ever be as good looking as James Dean. It's not possible. My mom told me something that's a little bit funny(with an emphasis on "little bit"). I didn't get into photography until pretty late in my life. When I did, Helmut Newton was my first personal favorite. I told my mom that and she said that she took me to a Helmut Newton exhibition in Gothenburg when I was little. That was the whole story. If I wasn't me, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even like me.

I saw Cloverfield last night. Surprisingly good, actually. At the moment, I choose to reside among "easy" movies(Juno, Garden State, Notting Hill, everything that's in the gray zone of what's straight/gay). Also, I tried taking the stickers off my mac. I'm now left with a glue-y mess that looks like a mix between Tjernobyl '86, Sex pistols-feces and the robot from the Intergalactic-video. Swell. Anyways, some Bourdin for your viewing pleasure.

grrrrrreat

I must say, the club-atmosphere of Berlin is every bit as good as I thought. That is all. Here's a quick language-class in tourist German.

"Massive failure" in german is "Das boot"
"Utterus" in german is "Kinderegg"

I used to want to be a cowboy. But then my mom told me I'm Indian

Berlin, ja?

Ja, Ja. <--- this makes no sense. It's necessary, though. Berlin seems like an awesome city, ridiculously calm in relation to it's size(It's not huge, but huge enough). We passed through Alexanderplatz(kind of their version of Liverpool Street) and there were less people there than at a Scatman concert.

Anyways, I noticed yesterday that there is a Karl Marx avenue in Berlin. It's fairly safe to say that the germans did not institute that street. Equally amazing situations would probably be:

-Ho Chi Minh boulevard in Washington D.C
-Gandhi listening to "Smack my bitch up"
-2pac living on Christopher Wallace Street
-George Michael ending up on a blind date with Charlton Heston
-Kanye West hooking up with a white girl
-Malcolm X hooking up with a white girl
-Clint Eastwood wearing lady-underwear
-Muhammad having a wife that was over 9 years old
-Charles Lindbergh having a son that lived to be 9 years old
-The French winning a war, or ending up with at least a draw
-A sunny day in London
-Karl Lagerfeld taking himself less seriously than AIDS or poverty
-Something at Colette being less that 50% overpriced
-Being able to say WHAM! without the exclamation point
-Marilyn Manson's child not having horns
-Justice not playing Phantom 6 times during one concert
-Not making the laser-sounds while playing star wars
-Going on a date with Pamela Anderson and not being able to score

What did I forget?

"The french are the only people who do not believe that the world revolves around the sun, it revolves around paris."

Ellen Von Unwerth

I have a newfound respect for Ellen Von Unwerth. Good just became Great. Sorry that the resolution's so shitty. A&C's fault.

My parents lied to me.

Alright, guys. Basically, our parents are full of shit. I've been meticously studying an awesome website that lists a bunch of common misconceptions. I'm not going to paste the sources because I can't be bothered. Trust me, they're there. Here are a few:

- According to the academy of eye doctors, it does NOT hurt your eyes to read in the dark. They say: "To read in the dark hurts your eyes about as much as it hurts your camera to take a picture when there's little light." word.

-Chocolate doesn't give you pimples. Break-ups just got less of an aesthetic health-risk. At least for girls.

-There's nothing in the bible(except for the number of gifts) that indicates that the three wise men were actually three. They could just as well have been 400 jewish guys who all gave 10 cents each. Not ok? Sorry.

-Charles Lindbergh was not the first person to fly over the atlantic. He was also not the first person to kidnap their own children. He's definitely up there on the first point, though.

-Marijuana and Hasch does not damage your braincells. They simply arrange a non-working situation for you.

-Holland is not a real country. I actually didn't know that.

-Magellan was not the first person to complete a sail around the world. Magellan actually died close to the phillipines. HAHA, that's hilarious. These were his last words: "Guys, you have all been very brave on this legendary endeavor. When I die, I want to you make sure that I get ALL the credit for what we've done. All of it."

-The risk of getting a cramp while swimming is not higher because of the fact that you've just eaten. That's just something fat people say because getting up is a project.

Also, I've read about something fascinating. Apparently, the americans didn't have to bomb Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Japan wanted to surrender earlier, but only if they could keep their emperor. The americans were opposed to this(they got to keep the emperor in the end, anyways) and probably wanted to "test" the weapon. Since Japan was severly weakened, it would have been sufficient to detonate the bomb on a desert island, thus showing the magnitude of damage that it would cause. Instead, "why not freak out the russians and also test our neat new product"? Exhibit A being the fact that both bombs were not identical. The first one was made from uranium and the second one from plutonium.

"Dad, I want to go to school but this guy won't let me"
"Really? Him and what army?"
"The U.S Army"
"Oh, that's a good army"

It truly is. It truly is.

p.s Sri Lanka has the worlds highest ratio of suicides. That's why I allowed myself to be bought. Actually, that's not true. I also wanted to see ZZ Top in concert.

hmmm

Is it a mere coincidence that, in writing, the nemesis of the "Indian" is a "Cow-boy"?

Shiny happy people

shit, dude

There are certain things in life that people simply do not like. "Shit" is one of those things. I can definitely see where that fobia might spawn from, but it's kind of strange to me how much we hate other people's shit. This got me thinking about how shit affects us in everyday life, because there are certain aspects of it that simply do not make sense. 

Why are people afraid of taking a shit in public restrooms, even when they're nice ones? I mean, they're there for a reason.  All guys know the feeling when you've just had indian food(that's a fucking bear trap right there)and you have to rush off to the restrooms, but then you two feet into the room, you freeze. There's someone in the room. This isn't happening. Why, in gods name is there another person in a public restroom? This forces you to fake that you just need to pee until that person has left the room. The most excruciating scenario is when the other person is doing the exact same thing. 

Another thing that doesn't make sense, is the washing-your-hands aspect. People get fucking mad at you when you go to the bathroom and don't wash your hands. Admittedly, it is non-sanitary, but why is taking a shit so special? After all, shit->paper->hand probably isn't less sanitary than man with herpes->poles on the subway->feeding strawberries to your loved one in the park. The worst hypocrites of this scenario are people who yell at you for not washing your hands and then run off to kiss their dog on the mouth. This just in: Dogs E-A-T shit. 

Also, it says on the box that Corn Flakes have iron in them. Is that like real iron? How can it be good to eat real iron? Fucking weird, it's like if you have a hangover, you should eat your ipod.

Kylie Minogue wants to kill me.

I'm really not supposed to be talking about this. I just found out, I don't know who else to talk to. I think... I think women might be trying to wipe men off the planet. And their leaders are Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue.

The essence of their plan is to turn all males into gay males or "homo-homosapiens". Now, since most males would be reluctant to make this change, they have invented certain tools to get us. Their leaders, Kylie Minogue and Britney Spears, are perfect exampes. Right now, only metrosexual or gay men listen to these two ladies. Actually, that's wrong. Metrosexuals and gay men are the only ones who admit that they do. However, with the rise of metrosexual-coolness, alot of guys are starting to walk right into the beartrap. Movies like: Love Actually, Titanic and Bridget Jones' Diary are just the beginning. There are so many things out there, well disguised as KIND OF metro-sexual. And all of it is fucking great, too. Americas next top model, Sex and the city, Justin Timberlake, Nutella, Yoga, Holding hands, Pizza with no meat on it, exfoliating gel-scrub, Cosmopolitans, Cheap Monday and Hugh Grant. We need to stay away from these types of things, tempting as they are. They will destroy us.

What can we do to prevent this from happening? Well, there are a number of things that are also appealing to men, and these things will definitely push us back in the right direction. Here are a few things that we can do to help us get back on the right track:

-Going to war alot more
-Renting Die Hard
-Killing the french
-Going to war alot more
-Buying more barbecues & baseball-caps and less Marc Jacobs key-chains
-Saying the word "Mojito" without pronouncing the "i" in a really high-pitched voice

We all know that there are four confirmed types of men. Straight men, Gay men, Metrosexuals and Europeans. The second of these four would naturally not be a threat to this operation, entitled: "Notting Hill is a movie that everyone can enjoy." The first group is, naturally where most effort is being put in. The third and fourth group are already being phased into the experiment. Now, If all men were gay, then no more babies would be born. If no more babies were being born, then scientists would have to "grow" babies. And if those scientists were women, then they could control the sex of the babies. This is were their plan is going to fail. Women do not posess the logic side of their brain. Hence, they can't become scientists to begin with.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I really like both Britney Spears and Kylie Minogue. I've become a victim. It has begun and within a couple of hundred years, someone is going to have to make a choice between two pills. Remember, the red pill is fucking gay.

This is what has been on my mind today. 

• A situation where the only natural answer is "That's true": People who pause mid-sentence because they've just, accidentally, rhymed. They pause just to say: "Hey, that rhymes." 
  

• Annoying thing: People who talk during movies don't annoy me. People who talk during the previews do. I love previews.
  

• Eternal question: Is it just me or does NOBODY know what MacGyver's first name is?
  

• People who are secretly into S&M: People who own boats. Congratulations, you just paid money to live uncomfortably. Absolutely sadistic.
  

• Coolest 38-year old: h.o.v.a, hands down. 
  

• Lamest nickname: Pharrell Williams AKA "Skateboard P". 
  

• General wondering: Who's the worst at living up to their last name, Jack Black or Barry White?
  

• Would you rather: Know that you were destined to marry a russian shotputter or have every third dog try to hump your leg?

• Most ironic performance 2007: Nelly Furtado at the Diana memorial concert, singing "Maneater". Snap.
  

Ryanair is special.

Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of ryanair. And I know that it's really 20th century to make fun of airplanes/airports. But one thing does annoy me. The fact that you, nowadays, have to turn of your ipod on take-off and landing. That's a solid half an hour of listening to babies crying, people chatting about n'importe de quoi and the music from the guy next to me who has decided to ignore the non-ipod rule. Actually, I'm that guy. I really can't take the ipod-threat seriously and if that means that I'm putting your life at stake, I'm truly sorry. I feel that it's a bit ridiculous to claim that 200 lives, sitting inside of a machine that costs 10 million dollars, are in jeopardy because I'm listening to "I feel like a child" by Devendra Banhart. Pete Doherty would never shut his ipod off during his flight, neither shall I.

Also, I feel like sharing my favourite airplane-tunes with you. Keep in mind that this is not a "travel-playlist", simply because these songs are optimized for airplaines, nothing else. Hence, they're airplane tunes. Basically, songs that make me want to pop the emergency exit open, sinply because the fuzzy clouds would shield us all from harm. Or something like that.

Alan Braxe & Fred Falke - Love lost
Hot chip - The warning
Daft punk - Verdis quo
Ratatat - Wildcat
The knife - You make me like charity
Coldplay - The scientist
The postal service - Sleeping in
Norah Jones - Sunrise
The cure - Close to me
Led zeppelin - Stairway to heaven
Air - La femme d'argent
Why? - Sanddollars
Nouvelle vague - Love will tear us apart
Enya - Caribbean blue
Röyksopp - Why else is there?(Live)
Kings of convenience - Cayman islands

I know what you're thinking and no, I'm not gay.

p.s anything with The studio is also excellent flight-music.

New website

I've got a new website, guys. Feel free to check it out:

www.robinjp.net

enjoy

The ghost of Fred Falke.

I am now about to tell you something that might shock you. It will be difficult to grasp, you might need to sit down. Here it is: I really don't think Fred Falke is real. As in I don't think Fred Falke is a real person. I think he is actually Thomas Bangalter.

If you think about it, Fred Falke is never booked anywhere. Have you ever seen or heard of a DJset featuring Alan Braxe and Fred Falke, even though they pretty much produce each other all the time. The Upper Cuts is widely acknowledged to be brilliant, containing amazing tracks such as Rubicon, Intro, Music Sounds Better With You and Love Lost. Another thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the fact that Alan Braxe, despite their close relationship, does not have Fred Falke among his top friends on Myspace. In my opinion, since the "top friends" of famous DJ's are kind of a big deal, that's weird. Also, if you search "Fred Falke" on Wikipedia, you get a direct link to Alan Braxe.

So where does Thomas come into the picture? He is known to be a fan of Braxe, he co-produced "Music sounds better with you"(what's to stop him from sectretly co-producing the whole album?) and another important fact being that Alan Braxe is on Bangalters record label "Roule". Since the commercial style of Daft Punk is eerily close to Braxe's and Falke's music, the leap wouldn't be THAT big, would it?

If you google-image Fred Falke, this is the only relevant picture that comes up:


"Hi, we need a generic french-looking guy to stand next to Alan Braxe in a picture."
"Ask one of the guys at McDonalds."

And that's what they did.

p.s Heath Ledger is another proof of the fact that all you have to do is die, then people will realize what a genious you are. Never mind the fact that Ledger was in like two good movies during his whole career. Kill Christian Bale, then talk. Oh, R.I.P, Heath.

Super-Mario Bros before Hoes

Don't get me wrong, I love Super Mario. Of course, he is fat and obnoxious but who isn't, right? Well, I'm not. At least not fat. Anyways, while playing the exquisite masterpiece that is Super Mario Bros 3, I came to some conclusions. To save you all some time, I can tell you right now that none of them are coherent, nor are they relevant.

The person who spawned the whole concept for this game was, without a doubt, high on some form of illegal substances. Take the significance of the Mushroom in the game. A mushroom makes you big, it gives you life, your little helper has a mushroom HAT(this being exhibit #1. Why the fuck does he wear a mushroom hat?) etc etc. We all know that in real life, all mushrooms do is give your dog a rash.

I mean seriously, if you saw someone who looked like this, what would you say that he's just been up to?

A. Done drugs
B. Escaped from a mental institution
C. Gotten a blow-job from Orlando Bloom


Ghazal just walked in and she is bothering me, I can't concentrate. I might have to actually play the game instead. I'll update you shortly.

Christmas

Hey Mom,

I'd like to say I'm doing well but I said that a while back and BAM! Just like that, the O.C was cancelled. I don't want to jinx anything this time. In other news, the holidays are here. I used to not like them at all, but then I realised that I simply need to get over myself. I mean, who wouldn't love a party where there will be food, presents, carols, a decorated tree and a fat, drunk guy in a red jump-suit. Courtney Love probably wouldn't, but that's because she's not invited to any of those parties.

Also, I met someone the other day who was really anti-everything. Those people annoy me. He basically just sat around, talking about how stupid everyone is, trying desperately to fit into society and how we're all being duped by the big corporations bla bla bla. I wanted to say:

Your life's goal is one of the easiest that I've ever encountered. You choose not to fit in. Isn't that insanely easy, since you didn't fit in from the start? So basically, if you think about it(which I'm guessing you did, while listening to The Velvet Underground), it's like me saying "My life's goal is going to be a boycott of carrots. That would make me one of the more successful people I know, since I've achieved my life's goal before I've turned 22. The fact that I don't even like carrots to begin with and that I'm allergic, is irrelevant."

My favourite christmas song is "Do they know it's christmas time". The anti-everything guy that I met said that his is "Killing in the name of" by Rage Against The Machine. I'm pretty confident that his name, spelled out backwards, becomes C-O-L-U-M-B-I-N-E.

Merry christmas, guys.

"A quick course in photography" by Ghazmerize Amin

As we all know, photography is art. This is not the case here. I asked renowned portrait photographer Ghazal Amin-Madagascar to do a quick portrait of me and to give me a few easy steps on how do best take some one's picture. Not only did she do a wonderful job, she also cooked for me. Or at least Nathaniel bought takeout. SO, without further delay, here is the "quick course in photography" by Ghazal Amin-Montana

Step 1: "Subject".
First of all, it is very important to only take pictures of people who are not ugly. After all, you're a photographer, not a magician. If you could create gold from cat shit, you'd have a nicer apartment.

Step 2: "Variation"
It is very important that your photos are ground breaking. That you do something that's never been done before. Like if you were to donate money to charity and that money would actually reach someone who is poor. One good way is to use barriers, like a plant. Because that has never been done by anyone. Ever.

Step 3: "Start early"
Because most citizens of the world are not talented, it is crucial that you have alot of time. Ask your subject to come in around 6.00 AM. That way, the subject thinks that you have something special planned. And when he notices that you don't, he will get angry and therefore more relaxed. Totally makes sense.

Step 5: "Don't be an idiot"
Use auto-focus.

Step 6: "Eating disorder"
Remember that many people have eating disorders and have actually forgotten how to chew their food. If that is the case, don't take the picture when the are desperately trying to control their saliva.

Step 7: "Afternoon Delight"
Sometimes, the day can get very long. If the subject starts to get fatigued, just tell him to go fuck himself.

Step 8: "Post-Afternoon Delight"
If your subject is already tired and you just told him to go fuck himself, don't start aiming the camera at shit that nobody cares about.

Final step: "Closing time"
Since the pictures didn't turn out very well and you spent all of your money on takeout, many photographers simply choose to electrocute their subject and then eat them for dinner.

I hope that this guide was helpful since the process of getting my picture taken was absolutely horrifying. If you have any questions, please keep them to yourself.